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Boner of the Week: Nearly Fooled By Charts and Graphs

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Sure, I like making up measurements, facts and figures as much as the next guy. But when the numbers aren’t real, we award The Boner of the Week! to the most outrageous news I read during the last seven days.

So, I’m researching content last week and stumble across this attention-grabbing headline: Gallup State Numbers Predict Huge Obama Loss.

I’m a political junkie, so I bite on the link.

And it’s our Boner of the Week.

Know why? This chart doesn’t state that the President will lose. This states that the editorial writer (and the board that allowed this garbage to pass as news) is apparently hoping President Obama will lose.

As both of my readers already know, this isn’t a political post and this certainly isn’t a political blog. I’d love to get my hands on a similar graph from the other side (I’m sure they exist). My goal isn’t politics at all. It’s just to teach an important lesson:

Dear Minions,

It’s important to know that professional people use charts and graphs ….err… creatively…. to lure away your money, your votes, or your trust. We can “prove” lots of points with a misleading chart.

 

What Does This Graph Really Prove?

 

  • The President’s approval rating ain’t high. (alert the press)
  • If the election were against his approval rating instead of against an actual opponent, he’d get his ass kicked.

 

Not quite the hard-hitting news originally implied by Senior Editorial Writer, Conn Carroll (Conn’s name might have been more apropos if it had just been Con).

 

Let’s Show You a Magic Trick

 

I’ve asked PK from DQYDJ.net, a charts and graphs wizard and fellow political junkie (AND you WILL get political discussion galore on his awesome site), to build us some clever graphs.

The chart below shows CBO data on unemployment numbers (a hot topic right now and relates to overall financial health of the United States economy). This graph projects unemployment for the next several months.

PK, how about a magic graph from DQYDJ:

 

DQYDJ1UnemploymentRate

 

Awesome.

Any guesses why this graph is misleading? Use the “comment” section below to fill in your answer.

((PK has included at least FOUR techniques to mislead you here. We’ll show them all in tomorrow’s thrilling conclusion!))

Thanks again to PK from DQYDJ.NET: Personal Finance, Economics, Politics, Investing and the Offbeat for the Night and Weekend Crowd. 

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I’m Not an Expert on Everything

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I’ve told you before but will remind you again: I’m a farm boy.

Shortly after our wedding, I surprised Cheryl with two tickets to the theater in Detroit, which was about an hour and a half from our home. The show I’d chosen was an obscure one called Les Miserables’, which I’ve since learned is French for “Joe will hate this.”

I don’t want to give away my age, but this was before the days of GPS. We took my motor-car with only a map. Back then these were printed on a thing called paper. You kids wouldn’t understand.

Because I’m a bear-of-little-brain, I missed my turn and soon found myself circling a neighborhood I’d describe as “less than optimal for people headed to the theater.”

I was horrified when I turned a corner and saw a woman walking alone in this neighborhood in a shiny formal red dress. She was over-the-top decked out with her outfit and poofy hair. For a second, I thought about asking her if she needed a ride, since it was clear that she must be walking to the theater. Maybe she could help with directions. For some reason…probably because I didn’t know the neighborhood, I decided to drive on.

…another ten minutes, and still no sign of our theater.

BUT, turning yet another corner, I spotted the same woman again. This time, she was standing on the curb, waiting for traffic to clear.

Average Joe Money Blog Masonic Temple Theater
Here's the theater we were searching for. I know what you're thinking and agree. It totally blends in with the buildings around it.

Me: Let’s follow her. She knows where the theater is.

Cheryl: She knows where something is.

I slowed the car.

Cheryl: What are you doing?

Me: I told you already; I’m going to see what direction this woman goes.

Cheryl, confused: Why would we do that?

Me: Look at her. She’s got to be headed to the theater! I’m sick of driving in circles.

Cheryl: Are you kidding me?

Me: What?

Cheryl: Really? She’s a hooker!

My head nearly swivels off as I try to get a better look, like I’ve just discovered a baby Zebra in the corner of the pen at the zoo.

Me: Wow! Really? THAT’S a hooker?

Cheryl: Holy S%$!, Joe. Pull away, before she thinks we want a threesome.

I drive. We finally find the theater. I hate the show, except the one song where they’re all getting drunk. By intermission, I want to be drunk, too. We head for the concession area.

Cheryl: I can’t believe you didn’t know that was a hooker.

Me: It was a really nice dress.

Cheryl, putting her arm around me: I love that my man isn’t an expert on everything.

(Photo of Les Miserables – New York, Wikimedia Commons; Photo of Masonic Temple, Detroit by MikeRussell)

Okay, that’s my story. Now it’s your turn. Any “mistaken identity” stories to share? 

 

 

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Networking 101: Meeting Basketball Industry Insiders (a How Not To Manual)

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Let’s take a break from serious planning for a moment and give you some insight into my daily life. Here’s another glimpse into the stumbling life of a guy just trying to fit in. or not.

If you’ve ever wondered how to hob-knob with influential and important people in the basketball world, I’m the most perfect guy to know. Like a battle-scarred veteran, I’ve been there. Not only do I have a long, impressive history of meeting important people, but I must note that I’ve often preferred non-conventional methods to befriend insiders.

This is my story. Feel free to use this method:

As an up-and-coming and remarkably handsome young financial advisor, I recommended my clients complete their estate plan. My highest net worth clients all were entrusted to the work of one attorney. He called one day to ask if I’d like to be his guest with a friend at a Pistons game.

Me: “Sure, dude.”

Always keep the lingo real.

That’s Step One: To fully integrate with the top echelons of society, all you have to do is recommend lots of your friends complete their estate plans. Then, coerce the attorney into inviting you to a sporting event as a thank you. Simple.

We met at the Palace of Auburn Hills entrance. It’s a beautiful venue to watch any event, even from my favorite seats. To disguise myself as not yet wealthy, I generally try to sit three rows or closer to the roof.

John, the attorney, flashed tickets at me and my friend Paul.

John: “You’re going to love these.”

Me (thinking): “that’s cool. Maybe we’ll be sitting a few rows closer.

Okay, the strangeness began when we entered the area itself not at the upper level, but the lower deck. This was already new territory for me. I wasn’t sure if I spoke the language or knew the customs down here. Is my foam We’re Number One finger considered classless? Is it okay to yell at the refs from here? What are the traditions in this foreign land? I was a terrified stranger.

Step Two: Breathe. Realize, it’ll be okay.

A Piston’s person: “Tickets?”

Luckily, John took care of the whole thing. He had this practiced “I’ve been here before hand flip.” John really has skillz.

When we arrived at the next rep, about halfway down the lower bowl, she glanced at our tickets and pointed us further down.

If it was a trip to hell I would have been frightened; we were headed to the inner circle.

…we made it to the bottom of the arena, and still another Pistons rep.

He looked our tickets over carefully,then:

“Follow me.”

Ready? Our seats were folding chairs along the edge of the court.

Holy $%#!

The-Palace-of-Auburn-Hills

Now you know Step Three: make sure your lawyer friend has awesome seats to the game.

Preferably know this information ahead of time, but my method seemed to work just fine. Maybe I’m just lucky.

Then, utter disappointment: we weren’t in the front-front row of chairs. No….my loser attorney friend was only able to score second row tickets to the game. You must realize how disappointing this was. Somehow I recovered. At this point, you’re with the who’s who of basketball. Which brings up the next key:

Step Four: bring on the alcohol.

Now, I used beer. You could choose something different, but you have to have enough grease on your vocal wheels to ease into conversations with the who’s who. Alcohol gets a bad rap for “causing health problems,” but I must recommend it to really spice up your trip to the ball game. (Okay, I have to pause for a second. If your sarcasm-meter isn’t working properly, that last paragraph you shouldn’t take literally. Alcohol created the $%#! mess that I’m about to describe, so use your good judgment and drink responsibly – Joe).

During the team warm ups, then-Piston superstar Grant Hill walked onto the court with a new pair of shoes. Instead of a swoosh or stripes down the side, these were white with two blue lines running straight up the spine. They looked like slippers with a racing stripe.

Me: “Check out those shoes. Wow. Is he playing basketball or at home cooking pancakes?”granthill

John: “Oh yeah! Those are the new Fila Hill Ninety6, also called Fila Hill 2. They’re the hot new shoe.”

Paul: “They’re pretty strange looking.”

Me: “Beep, beep. Excuse me. My understatement meter is going off. I’m not sure I like ‘em.”

Then I continued to drink beer. I wasn’t driving, and hey, we were sitting courtside.

Here’s another cool perk I never realized. A server comes to your chair and takes your order when you’re sitting courtside. I wasn’t going to have to mix with those foul smelling little people clogging the concourse dippin’ dots stands and popcorn vendors.

This was the life. I’ve never been happier in a folding chair.

At this point, an apology: I find basketball kind of boring. Hopefully the truth is that I don’t understand the intricacies of the sport. I prefer to think that’s the case. It’s better than thinking that my basketball-loving friends are a bunch of morons with nothing better to do.

I wasn’t bored here, though. Between the beer, those cheerleaders, and being able to hear the players talking, I was having a blast. Our seats were about at the free throw line.

Near halftime, Grant Hill even walked over and inbounded the ball right in front of us.

Don’t underestimate the thrill it is to have a real, live NBA player’s butt in your face until you’ve been there. Maybe not a bucket-list moment, but I still get emotional talking about it. I could have pinched Grant Hill’s ass and he would have jumped sky high on television. Hilarity.

Truth be told, I didn’t even consider pinching Grant Hill’s butt. I was too busy looking at his shoes.

Me: “I really don’t know if I like those. Who do you think makes the design decisions at Fila?”

John: “I don’t know, but I think they’re drinking something stronger than beer.”

Step Five – Take the Card When It’s Handed to You

During intermission I was on a role. Shawn Bradley, playing his last year of basketball for the ‘76ers, towered over us.

John: “I never realized how incredibly thin that guy is,”

Me: “He needs to eat the whole box of Wheaties.”

Paul: “My mom’s roast beef would fatten him up. Did wonders for me.”

Me: “I’d love to keep talking about Bradley’s anorexia, but those shoes of Grant Hill are just plain weird. I’m not sure if I like them or not.”

Paul: “Quit worrying about the damned shoes. Eat some of this popcorn. Have you seen the server? We need another beer.”

Paul…always focused. That’s the sign of a true friend.

So, another beer came, and so did the third quarter. The ball rolled out of bounds right next to us. Grant Hill walked over to inbound the ball. It’s amazing how a guy walks right in front of you and never once looks anyone in the face. At the same time, he’s looking like he isn’t really trying to avoid looking you in the face. It’s an art, I’m sure.

But, this time, I wasn’t at all focused on on his facial avoidance ability.

Me: “Okay, I’ve made a decision. I really don’t like the shoes.”

John: “Really? Wow, it only took you three quarters?”

Me: “Yup. Hatin’ the shoes. Just wondering, though. Do you think he gets paid to wear them?”

And that’s when the guy in front of me turned around in his chair, face red with anger. He had a card in his hand and shoved it in my face.

Angry guy: “In fact, he does get paid. Call me some time and I’ll tell you how much.”

I looked at the card. It was the Fila rep in charge of the Fila Hill line of shoes.

You meet all kinds of amazing people at the basketball game.

Step Six – Realize You’re Wrong

Me: “Well, when I said I hated them, I meant…”

Fila Dude: “You know what? I don’t care what you think.”

John: (no words–just a shot to my ribs)

Fila Dude: “I’m not trying to be mean.” (Editor’s note: yes he was) “We just don’t really care what middle class white guys in suits think. You aren’t our target market.”

Me: “Good point.”

Note: I should have thought of something clever to reply at this point. Had I mentioned some awesome design tips, maybe I’d be working at Fila right now, focused on the task of bringing to market the Fila AverageJoe instead of writing this blog. Call it the fickle wind of fate that I couldn’t find any carefully crafted quip to retort. Or, call it too much beer.

Your choice.

I’ve Joined the Yakezie Challenge

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(((Readers – today we take a break from our normal routine of aimless rambling and wandering prose to actually discuss something about blogging. I know, we don’t know anything about blogging either, but if you can stay awake through this post, I promise we’ll be back to regularly scheduled programming after this.)))

…hello, hello, is this thing on? ….uh…..hi, everyone, my name is Joe.

Hi, Joe.

….and, uh, well….I just wanted to say that I’m taking the Yakezie Challenge.

I think I’m ready. We’ve been practicing for weeks, getting our form “just right” (or more like right enough). We’re ready to take the plunge.

If I slip and say “we”, like I just did, that’s because I have a partner.

We together are taking the Yakezie Challenge. Yakezie is a group of financial bloggers who selflessly help each other promote the personal finance blogging space and who help promote each other’s blogs. I’ve read so many great posts by Yakezie members and Challengers that it’ll be our pleasure to promote more of these people and their work. In the near term, you’ll begin seeing many of them appear on our blogroll (on our Resources page).  

For the Yakezie community, let me introduce the FFA team. We’re kind of like cousin Eddie’s family on Christmas Vacation, only our Winnebago is a little dirtier.

I’m Joe, a 16 year financial planning veteran. Not only did I manage $60M working with around 200 families, I was on television and radio in my hometown dispensing financial advice. If you’ve been one of the three readers of our blog, I want to thank you.

Second, I have a partner, TheOtherGuy. He’s a ten year 13 year veteran of the financial planning industry. Generally, we keep him in the back room with a pile of code and hashtags. From time to time we loosen the chain enough to let him reach the keyboard when we need another article that actually is meaningful. Normally this will be on insurance or investing.

Although I’m declaring that we’re beginning the challenge, I already feel a strange kinship to several people in the Yakezie community already. You’ve made me feel very much at home, even though at times I haven’t deserved it. We had a ton of misconceptions about blogging when we fired up WordPress for the first time. Here are but a couple:

1) We thought “if you write it, they will come.” Here’s our understanding of how this silly “blogging thingy” worked: you threw stuff on a page and people begged you for more.

Instead, we’ve learned that there are two disciplines here (or more). You have to be able to write succinct, edible prose, but you also have to know how to expose your content to other people. I won’t be the first blogger to admit that I had no idea what a “back link” was and I thought affiliate links were connections to other people’s blogs.

2) We believed that financial blogging was a pretty small discipline. Holy $%^@ there are a ton of blogs out there. In the big scheme of things, there aren’t when compared to other fields, but I thought we’d be in a group of about 100 bloggers chasing eyeballs.

This is all the more laughable because we’re the “do your homework” kind of people. I was never the “here, I’ll take your financial plan and do it for you” kind of advisor. I was always the “I’m going to teach you what you need to know to do this yourself” dude. So, we’ve done our homework on financial planning, but ignored the blogging aspects.

Lesson learned.

What is the challenge?

– We promise to blog at least twice per week (we’ll be keeping our regular four posts per week schedule you’ve come to know and endure.)

– We promise to promote other Yakezie blogs. This will be easy. I have fun with our Blog Post of the Week! every Friday, and like making the rounds to other blogs to read what everyone else is thinking about.

– We’re going to work to place our blog in the top 200k as based on Alexa ranking in the next six months. Currently, today, we’re 549,616. We’ve been a long way, crossing the 4 million mark around October 1 and the 2 million mark at the beginning of November. It’s been rewarding to see that people will read posts whether we’re sober or talking Oompa Loompas.

Thank you to those who’ve been very supportive so far. You know who you are (I’m WAY afraid I’ll forget someone to begin mentioning names). There have been so many people helping us when we’ve had questions.

I’d also like to end with this note: if you’re a Yakezie member or challenger, don’t feel compelled to promote our site and work unless there’s something you really like. I promise, we’ll do the same. I love to network, but only when it actually is meaningful. I know that there are products I just couldn’t recommend in a million years.

As you get to know us, I hope you’ll want to send readers here for advice and humor. That’s great. We’d like to prove that this is a home for good, quality content and earn your respect.

For TheOtherGuy and I, it’s been a short, strange trip so far. I’m sure the adventure is only going to get better from here.

Cue the Muppets!

– Joe

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Hero of the Week! – You.

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I usually reserve Monday for our Boner of the Week! post, in which I discuss an outrageous financial event or statement in the media. But in the spirit of the holiday season, today we’re turning in a different direction: random acts of kindness.

It’s a rare day when I’m happy when reading the news. It’s always politicians fighting, a celebrity has died or they’ve discovered drugs on a professional sports hero. So depressing. Friday, though, I was incredibly heartened when I read that people are randomly and anonymously paying off people’s layaway bill at K Mart and Walmart. Is it true that people, en masse, are taking up the reins and helping complete strangers pay their layaway bill?

It appears that it is. And it seems it’s going viral. Not only is this random generosity being chronicled in the Dayton Daily News above, but it’s appearing in newspapers across the nation

This is how charity should work. It’s exciting to know that people are donning the mask of anonymity and helping out people in need without expecting praise or financial compensation in return. Does this happen much? Are we, as a nation, charitable? Do we often help out complete strangers?

The quick answer?  Kind of.

Charitable Giving Around the World


This charitable giving index heat map, created by the Charities Aid Foundation, displays country-by-country ranking in the area of giving. Canada is the third most giving country overall, while the United States ranks fifth.

Digging Into the Charitable Giving Numbers

When it comes to gifts of money, 64 percent of Canadians and 60 percent of Americans hand over cash to charities. The Netherlands is the leader in this sub-category, with 77 percent of people gifting money to charities.

The numbers are reversed when it comes to giving time. 39 percent of the U.S. population and 35 percent of Canadians volunteer time for an organization. The leader? Turkmenistan, where a whopping 61 percent of citizens gave time.

What if someone is a complete stranger, such as the case in the K Mart an Walmart incidents? There’s some relatively good news in this area. 68 percent of Canadians answer that they have helped someone they don’t know, as compared to 65 percent of those in the United States. The leader is Liberia, at 76 percent.

If you’d like to dig further into charitable giving data, here’s a helpful chart at the Guardian website.

What does this data mean?

To me, it means that in the United States and Canada, we’re doing a fair job of giving, but we could be more charitable. We’re being soundly beaten by other countries in volunteerism, gifts of cash, and gifts to strangers.

Still, we’re among the leaders in most categories. This makes sense because the GDP of both the United States and Canada are high enough that you’d expect a similarly high level of charitable contributions. It’s exciting to see the number of people who donate time and give to strangers. At a time when many people are struggling, we’re still finding ways to go out and help in person, or to give to people who we may never meet again.

This random act of K Mart and Walmart kindness is particularly awesome to me because there is little chance that someone who performs these acts would even answer a survey to create the data above. This is completely anonymous giving, which makes it exciting.

Here’s a few of the reasons I love this story:

  1. No government mandated it, or told us that we’d all be taken care of. We’re actually taking care of each other without threat, payment or promise of acknowledgement.
  2. Although charitable contributions are tax deductible, people are waiving their right to claim this good deed for a tax break “profit.”
  3. The snowball effect is happening. As one person reads it, they get fired up and also give. You don’t need to come up with a new strategy or “neat” giving idea. Here’s a wonderful way to help a family.

The Potential Downside

I hope this random-acts-of-kindness outbreak doesn’t adversely effect donations to large, established charities. These organizations are well-oiled machines, and money you place in their capable hands is distributed only after careful due diligence in most cases.

I also hope that these people who are the random beneficiaries of this kindness use this opportunity to pull themselves up and create a better life. Instead of purchasing gifts they could pay off a credit card, or fix an important automobile that helps them keep their job.

I want this random giving to continue, but I don’t want it to go unrewarded. I’m not hoping some kids have a nice holiday season. I’m hoping their parents are able to use this as an opportunity to experience the true hope of the holiday.

What are you going to do?

First, I’m going to echo the call of many others. I’m going to focus on my giving pattern this holiday season. I’m going to volunteer time over the next few weeks to people and organizations that need my help. In fact, my children are already leaders in this area, helping out a local shelter on a weekly basis. It’s time for me to join them.

As a blogger, I’m hoping to ring the bell on this idea of random acts of charity. I hope we’re all able to help someone who could use a hand. All we need to do is think for a moment about whether it’s money, time or a gift to a stranger that is most important in our world.

Which is it for you? Does this “viral” campaign move you to give differently? What’s your next charitable act? Are you going to be the stranger giving some family a layaway present they didn’t expect?

If you’re going to do a random act, please share with us in the comments below….not for a pat on the back, but to share with other potential “random” gift-givers your ideas. I think we can feed off each others gifts to do better ourselves.

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It’s A Bad Day When A Munchkin Dies

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I had to tear myself away from the petition to kick the Kardashians off the air long enough to write about a horrible event I just came across online.

This morning I read with much sorrow that Karl Slover, one of the last living munchkins from the The Wizard of Oz, has died at age 93. It says in the article that Mr. Slover enjoyed late-life acclaim at events celebrating the classic film. It’s inspiring that he was nearly as famous at 93 as he’d been when the film was made. He played three different roles and was one of the shortest munchkins at 4-foot 5 inches short. I’m sorry to say that my knowledge of all things “munchkin” is also short. I’ve only been an expert on the awesome round variety down at Dunkin’ Doughnuts (where’s my endorsement, DD…I plug you nearly every $#!@ post).

I DO know a little about their cousins, Oompa Loompas, from the 1971 film Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory (NOT that awful Charlie and the Chocolate Factory remake, thank you). Like Mr. Slover changed Dorothy’s life as he and his friends led the girl and her dog down the yellow brick road, Oompa Loompas helped change my world view. I’m not sure I wanted to get close to those creepy monkeys in the Wizard of Oz, but a golden ticket tour of a bad-ass chocolate factory? Sign me up, brother! That’s a world I would have loved to experience,

and some say that I still live in.

Regardless, as I said before: with apologies to Mr. Slover, I’m not an expert on munchkins, but I think Oompa Loompas have a lot to teach us about living.

 Let me count the ways:

1) They’re original. Oompa Loompas don’t worry about acting like “ordinary” people. They wear goofy outfits and have horrible hair. Most important: you’ve never seen an Oompa Loompa trying to keep up with the Jones’.

2) They sing all day. How awesome would it be to spend your day singing? Wouldn’t that wipe away your @#$! horrible mood? In my case, people around me would absolutely hate me, but crooning always makes me feel great, even though my vocal cords don’t know a note from a full-on letter. I don’t sing enough. I don’t celebrate enough. It’s time to start singing.

oompa_loompa3) They work in an awesome job. We’ve all read the statistics. Most people who are lucky enough to still have a job dislike their work. Baby, if I was making chocolate all day I know two things:  I’d weigh seven-hundred and fifty six pounds AND I’d be giggling every moment I wasn’t singing.

4) They stick close to the visionary. Willie Wonka wouldn’t be the easiest boss to work for, but I’m fairly certain his brain wasn’t focused on charging thirty cents more so they can meet Q2 earnings. He didn’t have time for cover sheets on TPS reports. Nope. Willie was designing a flippin’ elevator into the sky and was intent on finding the right person to carry out his legacy. That’s a guy to have as a friend. 

What does this have to do with you? With money?

Money is a fuel for your life. The passing of a munchkin should remind us that we’re only here for a finite amount of time before we’re all off to see the wizard. Forget the dead end job and your next four percent raise. Chuck social climbing and start mountain climbing. See the world. Celebrate. Set goals and use good money habits to claim your own chocolate-fueled adventure.

….and most of all: remember to sing.

-Facts in story: Us Weekly story, 16 Nov. 2011

-YouTube video: Warner Brothers pictures

-Willy Wonka pic: Warner Brothers pictures

Here’s a sales pitch, but it’s for awesome stuff:

Don’t have any of these three classic films? Why not make holiday shopping easy AND support your favorite blog at the same time?

There’s Something Wrong With The Car

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There are good days and then there are bad days. Neither of those descriptions fit last Saturday morning.

I woke up to my son running in the door.

Nick: Dad, there’s something wrong with the car. You have to come outside.

me: Where did Kim Kardashian run off to?

Nick: Dad, wake up. Come outside.

me: What time is it?

Nick: 7 o’clock. Come outside. There’s something wrong with the car.

me: (suddenly realizing Kim isn’t coming back, I’m not drunk in a Beverly Hills swimming pool and I’m a happily married parent of twin 16 year olds) What’s wrong with the car?

Nick: Just come outside

Cheryl: Go, Joe

me: (I’m thinking to myself: why don’t you go?) I’m saying out loud: Okay

(18 years! Why do you ask?)

Cheryl (to Nick): What’s wrong with the car, honey.

Nick: I hit a mailbox.

me: Okay. (out of bed, throw on jeans and a tee-shirt, follow Nick outside)

I shouldn’t interrupt the story here, but it’s time for a little op/ed piece.

Who the F$%# decided that mailboxes should go in brick structures? My mailbox looks like this:

Our Mailbox

Awesome dent in the side, huh? I was going to actually change this mailbox until some kids late at night kept driving down our street with a kid out the car window slamming a baseball bat into everyone’s property. Where before, I saw a rotten looking mailbox, now I saw less cost when it’s finally destroyed.

So, back to our story…..

I’m following Nick through the house, expecting to see my mailbox on its side, with maybe a little dent in the car fender. My son has been driving for six weeks. We’ll have a talk about it and he’ll go to his swim meet. We’ll laugh about it when he’s 35 years old.

Heading up the stairs, I realize that many of my neighbor’s mailboxes look like this:

random neighborhood mailbox

Holy brick-house, Batman! The front end of the car might be crumpled around that thing. Now I’m worried. By the time we hit the front door my pace is almost as fast as a cop headed for Dunkin’ Donuts.

me: Whose mailbox did you hit?

Nick: Huh? (he’s 16. I omitted most of the 16-isms for brevity, but had to leave one “huh?” in here.)

me: Whose mailbox?

Nick: Bill’s

me: Oh sh$#.

Bill lives across the street and has a mailbox similar to the one above. The front of our Saturn Aura is probably crushed in. Being a Saturn, it’s a collector’s item (that’s a joke, by the way. Some are apparent, others I’ll point out as we go.).

me: How did it happen?

Nick: I was trying to change a CD.

me: Nick! Don’t try to change a CD while driving. Keep your hands on the wheel. (I think I’m giving good parenting advice here, but I’m not. It turns out that my daughter–remember I said I had two driving? My insurance company remembers….and giggles out loud.–My daughter had a GLEE CD playing LOUD. I know because, when I turned on the car, it was still playing. My poor son. A Glee CD. The Horror.  Forget the mailbox, I would have hit Bill’s house hard enough to end it all.)

Here’s what I see. Remember that as a recovering advisor for 200 families, it’s difficult to amaze me. I’ve pretty much seen it all.

Except this:

Wheelie!

We call it “Wheelie!” or “Full-Sized Car Statue on an attractive brick base.”

My car is on two wheels (the left two if we want to be technical about it), and is TETTERING ON THE TOP OF my neighbor’s brick mailbox).

me: How the hell did you get the car all the way on top of it?

Nick: I don’t know.

Me: What did you tell me inside? Something’s wrong with the car?

Nick: Yeah.

Me: Understated. In social circles, that’s classy.

It took TWO wreckers to get the mailbox out from under the car. One to pick up the front end and another to drag out the mailbox.

Do you know that whole thing about people getting their 15 minutes of fame? The wrecker drivers all took pictures with their cameras “for the record.” I’m sure my car claimed its 15 minutes and more that night. You may have already seen this picture on Facebook.

So, in closing: please read my blog. Click on every advertising link. Next week I’ll have advice on how to deal with your car insurance company, and how to write big $%#!ing checks without shaking (much).