I spend all day on the internet.
I was moaning with a friend yesterday at lunch about the COUNTLESS posts on your budget and being thrifty. Everything from the Latte Factor to How Stupid Is the Latte Factor? and I’ve Got David Bach’s Latte Factor Right Here.
I was thinking this morning that I’m searching for something new. Something meaningful. Something that helps me walk the straight and narrow financial path.
What would this post look like?
I think it’d be a little negative. It would be a post about all the quick roads to frugal you SHOULDN’T pursue. People are often motivated by fear, it’s said.
This post would help people avoid some of the big problems out there.
Folks from all parts would line up for this type of post, I’d think.
I couldn’t find it, so I created it.
7 Financial Hacks to Avoid….the list.
1) Underwear is expensive. Why buy it? Nobody can see the stuff anyway, unless you want them to (and in that case it’s going to end up wadded up on the floor pretty soon). Get rid of underwear. You’ll feel more free and casual all day. A four pack of Haines tidy whitees costs $15.50. Imagine how many smokes that’ll buy.
2) McDonalds dumpster dive. McDonalds throws away food that’s still incredibly edible. Why not sit in your Ford Pinto and wait for the trash to go out? When I worked at McD’s back in the day, the food they threw out was all still wrapped up. You could get a McDouble, take it home and microwave it…and it’s almost good as new!
3) Disconnect your internet. Everyone complains about cable and how expensive it is. What about internet access? Uggg. That’s a bundle. Are you really making any money on that blog anyway? Let’s be realistic. You’d save time AND money by just pulling the plug right now. …money you could be spending on your cable bill and time you could have been doing something useful instead of reading this post. Double threat.
4) Sell your bicycle and weight set. Who needs gym equipment and a bike when you’ve got only so much time in a day? If you weren’t worried so much about how you look, you’d finally be able to get in all that extra overtime your boss wants from you. Plus, imagine the sick days you’ll get off when you’re feeling lousy? Time Off + Daytime Television = Heaven.
5) Do you have kids? What have they done for you lately? Forget allowances: Let’s talk quotas. Bring $30/week to Papa Joe or I’m sendin’ you packin’. Give them clear warning and direction, though. You don’t want to seem heartless.
6) Shampoo? Soap? Dish soap is nearly the same and is far less expensive per fluid ounce. Use dish soap for all of your personal health needs. You’ll have a lemon-fresh scent and will never have to worry about dishwater hands with Palmolive. And, if you don’t care about how your hands look, just go unbranded. Ubersavings!
7) Finally, I know that food is expensive and my second tip above might be impractical, so here’s another: Why not find creative ways to invite yourself over to dinner at someone else’s house? Offer to bring a few hamburgers with you if you think you can pull off tip #2 in a combo deal. If not, offer to bring drinks and fill a pitcher with ice cold water. They’ll thank you with their health later, no matter what they say today.
See? I think that’s a marvelous list, don’t you? No lattes or practical “how to’s.”
This list in itself is a huge timesaver.
In fact, another hack would be: forget about writing lists. You don’t follow them anyway.
I feel compelled to follow absolutely nothing that’s written above and don’t feel bad if you don’t either. I don’t have time for that nonsense….or rather lack of nonsense.
What tips have I forgotten? Let’s add a few in the comments. Ready? Go!
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